How Assertive Are You?

When I help people develop their emotional Intelligence, some are surprised to find that they are low on assertiveness.  They may say, “How can this be?  I get on well with my team; I can put my point across and even disagree with others in a professional manner.”  This off course is true, they can and do behave this way in their current role.

However, often they can appear assertive because they are in their comfort zone, with a group of people who know each other well, where there are no conflicts of interest.  If they leave this setting and are suddenly placed into a different environment (e.g. with a group of more experienced, senior managers, each with their own agenda and interests) then their lack of assertiveness can become apparent and impact on their performance.

When exploring your Emotional Intelligence, it is important to not only examine it in the context of where you are now, but also in the context of your aspirations.

Assertion, the ‘flexible pursuit of having our preferences met, our opinions voiced, our emotions and beliefs honestly communicated in an appropriate way at the relevant time’ (1), may appear easy for us currently, but that does not necessarily mean it will be easy in the future – or that we are, in fact, assertive.  The good news? It is a skill, and if we are low on assertiveness, we can develop it.

Assertiveness is only one of the 15 items that are measured using the EQi-2.0 Emotional Intelligence Assessment Model – a well-established measure, recognised for its reliability and validity.  For more information visit: https://www.beckinridge.com/assessment-centre/

About The Author

Eddie McDonald is the Managing Director of Beckinridge, an EQ-i 2.0 (Emotional Intelligence Inventory) Accredited Assessor, a Mental Toughness (MTQ48) Licensed Practitioner and a British School of Meditation Qualified Meditation Teacher.  His early career was in software engineering and now has over 30 years experience in Training & Development. He is a multi-instrumentalist, keeps a tidy kitchen when cooking and his current favourite colour is green.

You can contact Eddie on any aspect of this article at eddie.mcdonald@beckinridge.com.

References

(1) Dryden.D., Constantinou.D, (2004) Assertiveness Step By Step, P3-6, Sheldon Press, London.

Optimism: it’s more than positive thinking!

Perhaps you know someone who is an optimist?  They probably appear to maintain a degree of hope in their life and adopt a positive approach to what they do – a ‘glass half full’ viewpoint.  Well if they are an optimist then they do much more – they take action!

For example, if an optimist failed an exam, they would take action and prepare for the resit.  A pessimistic person might wallow in their sorrows and consider themselves as a failure – and do nothing!

This ‘positive’ approach is also tied into how we explain the causes of life events to ourselves – our ‘Explanatory Styles’.  Those who give up easily (the pessimist) believe the causes are permanent, universal and internal.  Those who resist helplessness (the optimist) believe the causes are temporary, specific or internal.  Some examples explain this better.

Permanent Vs Temporary thinking:

• Permanent (the pessimistic thinks…):

  – The boss is awful

  Temporary (the optimist thinks…):

  – The boss is in a bad mood today

  Permanent (the pessimistic thinks…):

  – You never talk to me

  Temporary (the optimist thinks…):

  – You haven’t talked to me recently

Universal Vs Specific thinking:

• Universal (the pessimistic thinks…):

  – I failed that exam – this will ruin my career

• Specific (the optimist thinks…):

  – That was a tough exam – there’s always the re-sit

• Universal (the pessimistic thinks…):

  – All teachers are unfair

• Specific (the optimist thinks…):

  – Mr Jones is an unfair teacher

Internalisation Vs External thinking:

• Internalization (the pessimistic thinks…):

  – I’m a bad parent

• Externalization (the optimist thinks…):

  – The kids are really playing up today!

• Internalization (the pessimistic thinks…):

  – I messed up that presentation – I’ll never be good at this

• Externalization (the optimist thinks…):

  – That was a tough group – and the disruptive guy didn’t help

Making sense? ‘The key to success is careful monitoring and recognition of our thoughts. Once a negative thought is detected, we can consciously dispute that thought and try to look at possible alternative outcomes.’¹

Making a change

Change is never easy! But with practice (and the right conditions and support) you can start changing the habit of automatically responding in your default way and view situations differently.

‘The mind is the source of all experience and by changing the direction of the mind, we can change the quality of everything we experience.
When you transform your mind, everything you experience is transformed. It’s like putting on a pair of yellow glasses: Suddenly, everything is yellow. If you put on a pair of green glasses, everything you see is green.’².

Sounds simplistic – and in a way it is – but not always easy.  The next time you find yourself being pessimistic, try and catch your thoughts.    Challenge yourself – is there an alternative?  Perhaps ask that optimistic friend of yours what they think – what action would they take?

About The Author

Eddie McDonald is the Managing Director of Beckinridge, an EQ-i 2.0 (Emotional Intelligence Inventory) Accredited Assessor, a Mental Toughness (MTQ48) Licensed Practitioner and a British School of Meditation Qualified Meditation Teacher.  His early career was in software engineering and now has over 30 years experience in Training & Development. He is a multi-instrumentalist, keeps a tidy kitchen when cooking and his current favourite colour is green.

You can contact Eddie on any aspect of this article at eddie.mcdonald@beckinridge.com.

References

1. Boniwell, L., Rostron, C. (2010) Positive psychology: the science of well-being, in Mood and Well-being, pp.138, The Open University, Milton Keynes.
2. Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche, (2007) The Joy of Living, P 102, Bantam Books, London.

Empathy at Work: Why?

In 1992, a team led by neurophysiologist Giacomo Rizzolatti at the University of Parma, Italy accidently discovered what have been termed “mirror neurons” in macaque monkeys.  These brain cells became active (fired) when the monkey performed an action – in this case picking up a peanut.  However, the team also noticed that the same brain cells fired in the monkey when it watched one of the researchers pick up a peanut.

Like monkeys, humans have mirror neurons that fire when we both perceive and take an action¹.  It has been proposed by some that this process and the ability to feel what others feel is the biological basis for empathy.  If this is the case then it would imply that empathy has a purpose and usefulness to human survival, success and effectiveness.

Empathy is ‘the ability to be aware of, to understand, and to appreciate the feelings of others. It is “tuning in” (being sensitive) to what, how, and why people feel the way they do’².  Why should this be relevant to the workplace?

Relevance to Management & Leadership

From a management and leadership perspective it is important that managers can adapt their approach to different situations that arise.  In the words of Daniel Goleman ‘the best, most effective leaders act according to one or more of six distinct approaches to leadership and skillfully switch between various styles depending on the situation’³.

Of his Six Leadership Styles four (visionary, democratic, affiliative and coaching) foster resonance in teams and empathy is the common tread in the emotional intelligence competencies that support these styles.

Goleman also says that ‘empathetic people are superb at recognizing and meeting the needs of clients, customers and subordinates …. empathy is key to retaining talent …. in a growing global economy, empathy is a critical skill for both getting along with diverse workmates and doing business with people from other cultures’⁴.  Quite a business case.

Wherever we are positioned within an organisation, empathy will help us to interact with others, to be a support for others, to be able to understand the needs of others.   For managers this skill is central.  In order to influence, motivate, achieve results through others, and to develop people engagement managers need to use empathy.

A report⁵ by the Chartered Institute of Personnel & Development in 2021 on Employee Engagement and Motivation, suggested that employee engagement is linked to line managers who motivate, empower and support employees.  All these involve using empathy to some degree.

Can We Learn Empathy?

Can we develop this skill that will have an impact on our effectiveness in the workplace?  The short answer is yes.

The first step to developing empathy is to develop our own self-awareness.  If we can develop our ability to notice how we ourselves are feeling, what emotions we are expressing, what thoughts we are having and then take the step of accepting that others have similar feelings, emotions and thoughts, then we are half way there.  To support this transition I recommend mindfulness meditation practice in order to raise our awareness.

I like to describe empathy as a pro-active process.  Unlike sympathy (which is a relation of affinity or harmony between people; whatever effects one correspondingly effects the other⁶) empathy involves understanding, and importantly, actively entering into another’s feelings.  Daniel Goleman refers to this pro-active approach as having three distinct steps ‘I notice you; I feel with you; I act to help you’⁷.  This involves developing compassion.

The key to using empathy is giving others feedback on what they are feeling and why.  It sends a signal that we understand, we are interested, that we care. Ask others how they feel; inquire and be curious; put yourself in their shoes.  This requires paying attention to others – to really listen.

Of course these skills do not come naturally to everyone.  In our trainings on Emotional Intelligence people often comment on how strange it feels when they take part in an exercise using empathy.  It feels physically ‘wrong’ and has a visceral element.  Why? Because they are not used to doing it.  But the good news is that with training, by practicing the right habits, we can all develop our empathy.

So what is the next step for your organisation?

Why not take a leaf out of one of the largest companies in the world – Google?  Developing empathy was a key element in their internal business and personal development programme ‘Search Inside Yourself’.  Based on emotional intelligence and mindfulness the programme was rooted in Google’s business needs by developing ‘stellar work performance, outstanding leadership, and the ability to create the conditions for happiness’⁸.  A recipe for success with an empathic approach and one that perhaps you can consider with our support.

About The Author

Eddie McDonald is the Managing Director of Beckinridge, an EQ-i 2.0 (Emotional Intelligence Inventory) Accredited Assessor, a Mental Toughness (MTQ48) Licensed Practitioner and a British School of Meditation Qualified Meditation Teacher.  His early career was in software engineering and now has over 30 years experience in Training & Development. He is a multi-instrumentalist, keeps a tidy kitchen when cooking and his current favourite colour is green.

You can contact Eddie on any aspect of this article at eddie.mcdonald@beckinridge.com.

References

1.http://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/publications/observer/2011/march-11/reflections-on-mirror-neurons.html Accessed 18.09.2013

2. Bar-On, R., (2004) Emotional Quotient Inventory Technical Manual, p. 15-18, Multi-Health Systems Inc, Canada.

3. Goleman.D. (2003) The New Leaders: Transforming The Art of Leadership Into The Science of Results, P67. Sphere, London

4. Goleman.D. (2003) The New Leaders: Transforming The Art of Leadership Into The Science of Results, P64. Sphere, London

5. Employee Engagement & Motivation 2022 CIPD https://www.cipd.co.uk/knowledge/fundamentals/relations/engagement/factsheet?utm_source=mc&utm_medium=email&utm_content=cipdupdate_27012021.F1L2_FS_
   Employee_Engagement&utm_campaign=cipd_update&utm_term
   =5173216#6233%20Assessed%2003.02.21

6. Concise English Dictionary Version 3.2 (2011) jDictionary Mobile

7. Goleman.D. (2007) Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships, P58. Arrow Books, London

8. Tan.Chade-Meng, (2012) Search Inside Yourself Increase Productivity Creativity & Happiness, P12, Collins, London.